Unplanned

In yesterdays post, The Roller Coaster, I mentioned a few crisis that have been scattered thruout the last several weeks. I can look at some of them and find a cause, and others I don’t recognize or understand. I am usually pretty good at identifying my triggers tho. I have also gotten pretty good at blocking most of them out. On the other hand, on occasion I have sought out things that I knew would be a trigger. In the second post, Do Something Different, I described an event like that. Maybe I thought I could take some power back, if I just stood up to my fear.

That really doesn’t work well for me, even in the physical world. I had an uncomfortable truce with a fear of hights as a mountaineer and climber. I could rope up, and I could work thru my fear and climb, but I never learned to truly trust the rope, the rock, and in most cases, I never placed full faith in my partner on the other end of the rope. I could climb despite my fear, but I was never fearless, and I suppose I envied those who were.

I ride a powerful motorcycle, and it scares me. I know how to ride it well, and to get fairly close to the edge of it’s capabilities on occasion, but the truth is I am afraid to do what I know it is truly capable of. I run out of courage long before the tires lose their grip in the corners. Sometimes I deliberately push past that, cornering well out of my comfort zone, thinking that I can overcome my fear as I better learn to trust the machine. I can make myself do it, but the fear has never subsided.

Sunday, I was sitting in my room, and looking thru movies for something to watch, and the movie, Unplanned, had apparently just been released on Amazon Prime, and it caught my attention. I know the story of Abby Johnson, and was aware of the movie when it had first been released. I considered watching it back then, and a friend advised me not to. I ignored her advice and started it, but I couldn’t make myself watch it.

Sunday, I thought I was stronger. I thought I was more brave, and I suppose I wanted to honor Abby and her courage. I probably only made it 10 minutes or so into the movie before I couldn’t watch any more. I got thru the parts that I had heard were the most likely to affect me. I guess I was actually able to steel myself to it, and block out my feelings. I have learned to do so over the past several years when confronted with the most heinous and graphic billboards and Facebook posts. It is somewhat inescapable, so I have learned to deal with it, usually by shutting down the very response they are designed to elicit.

I didn’t know Abby’s full story tho. I didn’t know that she had abortions of her own, and when they were described in the movie, I sort of lost it. It was a punch in the gut I was not expecting, and therefore had not prepared for. All I could do was sit and grieve silently and alone. I should have known better.