Outsider

I don’t think I ever had a conscious thought on the matter but after the abortion I found it awkward to be around my family.  I no longer felt I belonged.  I’m sure there was a degree of shame.  I had a secret that I was sure they couldn’t overlook if they knew.  Even if they didn’t judge me, I was sure they would condemn my wife.  In my heart, I suppose I believed I was guilty by association.  Unconsciously, I think I felt they would believe that if I didn’t leave her, then I must have been guilty of condoning the abortion.  I’m not sure if any of that was true, but I knew they were quite outspoken against abortion.

The result of all those conflicting feelings is that I estranged myself from them.  Things were cordial, but I no longer felt at home or welcome, though they couldn’t have known, and not a single word was ever spoken.  I was an outcast for what I had unknowingly been part of.  To make things more uncomfortable, my parents are Christians, and I could never explain how I had lost my faith, even if I understood it myself.  They watched me fall away a little at a time and ultimately, on the rare occasions I visited, they invited me to accompany them to church, and I always made my excuses.  They couldn’t know why my faith had fallen away, so there was an uncomfortable tension.  In a sense, that made me feel more like the black sheep, which just made me feel more unwelcome.

I finally told my mother of the abortion about a year before she died, and she was kind, and maybe even understanding. I can’t really say what led me to share that with her, but I felt that the time was right.   We had been growing close over the last year, and she had seen me finally drawing close to God and the Church.  She was aware of the chapter in our lives that led to the abortion but did not know the consequence.  She expressed her grief and sorrow, for both my wife, and our baby.  I couldn’t help but notice that she didn’t extend that same sympathy to me. I don’t believe that was deliberate. I think she was like the majority who see the issue as a woman’s issue, and rather than being affected one way or another, men are just bystanders.

I asked her to not share it with my Dad, because I’m still not sure I was wrong all those years ago about how he would react.  Maybe time has softened him enough, but I don’t trust the secret with him. I don’t know that I ever will.  There have been a few times that I have considered telling him,  but just couldn’t get past my fears of how he would respond towards my wife if he knew.