Counting the Cost

There is an admonition from Jesus in the 14th Chapter of Luke.

27. And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple. 28. For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?

Those are simple words to read and understand in theory, but in practice it becomes so much different. I thought I had a pretty good understanding of what this calling would cost me, but I am learning that it will cost much more than I had initially imagined. I considered the practical aspects. Would I be able to fit it into my schedule? In all honesty, there may be the occasional conflict, but I couldn’t be more ideally situated in my employment. I have enough flexibility in my schedule that is hardly a consideration. I know there will be a cost paid in terms of time, but the immediate needs are easy to meet. I will be spending less than 2 percent of my week at the center, so that is also easily surrendered. There is the potential for lost income on occasion, and that might sting a little, but again, my schedule is such that I am free to make that up if I need to, so that isn’t really a consideration either,

So, yes, I counted the cost as I understood it. A few minutes of mental exercise and I was able to add all of that up, and I could find nothing I couldn’t work around, so it seemed like an easy decision.

I didn’t see the full picture. In truth, my time already belongs to God, tho I have squandered much of it. Whatever financial benefit I receive from that time is his as well, and I have no doubt squandered much more than I have given back Those things I thought I would be giving to God were his already. This will just be a better stewardship of them. I am starting to understand that those were not the cross he was speaking of.

I am starting to understand the real price I will pay, and I am already questioning if what what I have is sufficient. There is an emotional price I will pay from being immersed in this ministry. To the extent that I have healed, one aspect of that healing is that while the abortion was still there, sometimes painfully so, most of the time it had receded from my conscious thought, There are triggers that bring it to the forefront, but by and large, it had lost much of the power it had over me. In just the last few weeks, that distance I had been able to put between myself and the abortion has been diminished to almost nothing. I handle it all better than I did before, but it is already taking a toll. In the short time since I started, I have found myself either in tears or near tears more than I have in the last couple of years.

I’m sure some of that is my own fault. The very act of writing this post requires that I dig into those feelings I am trying to describe. I think this is the third time I have tried to get it all written down, because I couldn’t get thru the previous attempts. It was enough that I seriously considered deleting the entire blog for the third or fourth time, and just letting it die. It may come to that one day, but for now it would seem that it has regained some of it’s original purpose of helping me work thru things.

I suppose there is an upside to this, I know I don’t have to carry this cross alone. I have had to lean into God a lot in the last couple of weeks, and it feels like maybe this is drawing me closer to him. I’m going to have to be more deliberate about that going forward. I also have a new circle of friends that I can go to if I need to. I’m not very good at that either, so it is another area I will have to make improvements in.

I remember the very first counseling session I had. It was with Brother Rick at the church. He told me then that the abortion would always be there, and it would be the cross I would have to bear. I hated the weight and would have done anything to lose it. I could not imagine carrying it for the rest of my life. Now, it seems that I have been called to take it up deliberately, and I can’t seem to say no.