It has been a long time since I posted anything here. The truth is that I really haven’t had much to post about. Nothing earth-shattering, no major revelations, nothing I could put into words. Yet, there has been a great deal of change, not in my surroundings or circumstance, but in my heart. It was subtle, and happened so gradually that I wasn’t sure it happened at all, but looking back to my last post, and where I was then, I have no doubt that it has taken place.
While I can neither define, nor fully describe the change, I can point to the strongest evidence that it has occurred. Those dark days and darker nights no longer haunt me. I still have my moments of grief, and I believe it is right that I do so, but I don’t stay there. No, the grief remains, and it can be strong, but it passes, where before it is all I could feel. Where before I had no hope that my prayers for my pain to lift would be answered, I can testify now that they have been. Where I had given up on that last miracle, to the extent that I quit asking for it, he has granted it almost without me knowing it happened.
I could question why I had to stay in that place as long as I did. Was it my own failures that kept me there, or was there purpose that I still can’t see? I don’t have answers to those questions. Perhaps it is a little bit of both. Maybe my weakness and my failure was the purpose. I know I did everything I was supposed to do. All the studies, all the recovery efforts, all the counseling, and none of it seemed enough. I don’t say that to imply that hey were not beneficial, because they were, but thru all of that, I was leaning more on myself than anything else. Every step towards healing I took was thru something I could do, and to be fair, they helped me learn to live with the pain, but they didn’t take it from me.
I finally got the miracle I quit asking for, and now I have to figure out what to do with it. Maybe there is nothing expected of me at this point except gratitude. For the moment, that will have to be enough. I expect that if there is to be more tho, that God will show me in his time.
ManWithoutAMap 