One of the difficulties of being a man with an abortion in your past, is the isolation you often feel. Even when you have been on the path towards recovery as long as I have, there’s a reluctance to reach out when you are struggling. I could go into the reasons for that, but the truth is that those reasons are as numerous and varied as the men who carry this wound. I know for me, that reluctance is heightened by the feelings that others wouldn’t understand, and probably some feeling that I shouldn’t still be struggling after all this time. There is also a unique aspect of my own experience, our own experience, in that we are the miracle couple who’s marriage survived the abortion, and I don’t wish to dishonor my wife or say anything that would cause her pain. She has her own path to walk, and while I know I can do little to make her journey easier, I also know I could make it so much more difficult for her.
I don’t know why I have been struggling so much lately, but it was getting pretty difficult to deny or ignore. I hadn’t reached the deep feelings of despair that I had previously associated with the abortion, but I was on edge, and I was beginning to feel an anger welling up in me. I suppose that there was some measure, some component, that I associated with injustice, because I was very focused on what I had lost, what the abortion had taken from me. Still, I know it wasn’t a Godly anger at injustice, but a familiar, more destructive thing where I just wanted to lash out at the world, rather than simply grieve. I know most of my triggers, and some of my worst ones have been certain holidays and anniversaries, and the anniversary of the abortion was bearing down on me. To be fair to myself, while I could feel the weight of it approaching, it wasn’t what it had been in the past, and I know that is a reflection of at least some measure of healing.
I could have chosen to white knuckle my way thru, and I am pretty sure I would have reached this side of the anniversary without too many ill effects. I had done so more often than not in the past, either when I had nowhere to turn, or simply made the choice not to turn towards some sort of support. I had seriously considered taking that path this time because I didn’t wish to have to explain a sudden decision to attend a retreat, and deal with the questions that might arise. It isn’t that I wish to deceive my wife, but rather not to remind her unnecessarily, or burden her with additional guilt over the weight of my pain. In the end, tho, it was apparent that I needed to do something, and the timing of the retreat felt like it had Gods hand in it, so I trusted that it would be the right path.
When I arrived on Saturday, there were a few gentlemen that I already knew, and then the normal awkward introductions, but there was also an immediate kinship. We all knew we shared something, a bond that we wished were not there, but was no less real. I have been in various recovery programs for quite some time, and I believe that these are probably the most honest and courageous men I have ever encountered. Every one shared their story, and out of all of us the only common thread was the loss of a child thru abortion. Some chose that path, and others simply didn’t oppose the decision, and there were those who had no say in the matter at all. On the surface, it would seem that we were all very different based on that, but somehow the wounds we each carried were so similar as to be indistinguishable from each other. To a man, each wept as they shared their own story, but each man also wept for the others as they sat and listened.
I won’t reveal much about the retreat itself, other than to say there are a number of exercises that help you work thru and process various aspects of your abortion. Some are mundane, and may be of more benefit to another man than they are to me, and some bring every man to tears. What was especially notable to me was that even having attended the retreat once before, there was no lessening of the impact, both emotionally and spiritually. You open those wounds and you can not help but feel the effect of that, but then you clean them out, close them, and apply fresh dressings. You don’t leave there healed, but you either begin, or in my case, continue the process of healing. I have to ask myself if it truly helped me, and the best way is to reflect on the last few days. I do feel lighter. That tension I felt before is diminished enough that I don’t notice it so much. Just sitting here writing these words is easier. I can’t say if that is a reflection of the retreat, or just moving thru the anniversary and putting it behind me, or maybe a bit of both. Whatever the case, I am grateful.
I can’t really say if I will attend again in the future. I suppose the possibility exists. I know it would benefit me, even if it was just being in the presence of such amazing men.
ManWithoutAMap 