It has been a long time since I wrote anything, but I suppose it has been an equally long time since I was moved to write. I don’t know it this is a sign of change, or maybe just season that will pass, but I feel more invested in recording where I am in my journey.
The last couple of weeks have been a rather significant departure from the rut I had settled into. It wasn’t anything I had done, but a series of events that have nudged me out of my complacency. At almost every step and stage of this healing process, I looked for the good that was promised by God for what I had endured, and I have to confess that I had started believing that just getting thru it was all there was for me. I found that somewhat discouraging, but I suppose I had grown content with it. All things considered, just getting thru it should have been miracle enough, and for a long time even that seemed out of reach.
For awhile, I suppose I tried to force things. I tried to re-engage with Celebrate Recovery at Church, and to become more active in that ministry, but after just a few visits it became apparent that wasn’t where I was supposed to be. Our Church had the Celebrate Recovery ministry when I got there, and due in no small part to Gods nudging, I had settled into that early on in my journey towards healing. In those early days, I was pretty sure that I was dealing with a pornography addiction, and what I was learning was a major league anger issue. It turns out that my issues were much deeper than I could have imagined. There was a lot to confess, a lot to make amends for, and as I am sure is the case in most lives, there was a lot that I had not forgiven over the years, but I was slow to figure out that last part. I generally just wrapped myself in denial, as I had always done. Had I never found that ultrasound, I probably would have stayed in that blanket of denial, but it seems God had other plans. After surrendering all of the “little things” to God, and believing I was well on the path towards recovery, I learned that I had not even scratched the surface.
I can only describe what followed as my own personal hell. I reached lows that I never imagined, and it seemed I would never be free of the hurt. Little by little tho, as I had finally surrendered it to God, not really understanding what was taking place, after working for so hard and for so long for some relief, it just happened. God gave me the miracle that I had quit asking for. There was no burning bush, no flash of divine light, no booming voices. I just woke one day and realized that the weight was not what it once was. There was still an ache on occasion, and some days I still seek out a quiet place to be alone and let myself mourn, but it feels right and healthy now, where before I was pretty sure it would eventually kill me.
I suppose I had to say all of that to get to the point. After all those difficult steps, all the times I tried to force Gods hand because I was not trusting in what his plan was, and almost challenging him at times because I could see no good coming from what I endured. I had read the promises in Romans 8:28, and had turned those words back on him as a challenge. To be fair, others have pointed out, and I am aware that I came out of this a different person than I was. I am a gentler, more humble person than I was, and I learned to lean on God in a way that I never would have. In that sense, there is no question those words in Romans were true, but I wanted more than that. I needed it to matter more than that.
I guess I can say that he heard my challenge, and gave me an answer. It wasn’t the one I had expected, and when it came, it came with some strings attached. The answer came in the form of a calling, a command. In effect, he turned my challenge back towards me. It can be summed up as him telling me that he had a job for me to do, and that was about all. It was up to me to learn what that job entailed.
I am still learning what that job is. I have only been at it for a couple of training sessions, and to be honest, it isn’t what I imagined I would be doing, but I have already witnessed one small miracle. I have also met so many wonderful people, and I know that I am just a little bit less alone with my grief than I was only a month ago. I suspect that will be a benefit to me in the future, and I hope that it might benefit others as well. After what sometimes feels like a lifetime of looking, I ended up in the last place I could have imagined, and I know that I am supposed to be there. As I look backwards at my life, not just at the abortion, but everything, somehow it seems like this is exactly where I was supposed to end up.
As much as so much has changed thruout this journey, one thing has not. Because of that, anonymity is still important to me, because this journey is not mine alone. Were it not for that, I would share exactly what and where this place is, and there may yet be a time for that in the future. For now it is enough to just say that it is a local Pregnancy Center.
There is more to this, of course. I know that when God formed me in the womb, and the way he molded me for so many years, he made a warrior. When I finally quit warring against him, and turned control over to him, he showed me that the weapons I was accustomed to were not the ones he intended me to bear, but the mission really hasn’t changed. Protect those who cannot protect themselves. That doesn’t look like I imagined it might, and in some ways it still comes at a cost, but God has been faithful so far.
ManWithoutAMap 